Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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