I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
