swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
