We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Randomize
