I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
