My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
