yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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