You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
