So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
