You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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