Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
