I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
