you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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