Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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