Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
