so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
