I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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