I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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