My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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