well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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