my room smells like sperm. sweet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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