Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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