She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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