I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
