I hope mine doesn't look like that
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize