I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
