you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
