the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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