went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
