my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
