I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
