just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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