I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
