hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
