I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.