Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I need water and some morals
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"