i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
