just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
