I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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