Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
