i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
