I think I died a long time ago.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
