good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
