Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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