Whod you bang
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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