Moan for me like Helen Keller
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
jump out the window naked night went bad
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