The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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