Even the bartender felt bad for me
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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