My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
