Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Is it because I queefed?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm at about main and main street
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
