you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
