Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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