hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
