i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
